


we're not the fucking brady bunch

by rainbowblue13



Series: how did we get here? [14]
Category: Do No Harm (TV), Hamilton - Miranda, In the Heights - Miranda
Genre: Multi, basically alex gets called out for being alex, sonny gets mentioned in passing, usnavi not knowing internet terms is my favorite meme, why do i have to put the summary in the tags im a mESS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 09:05:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11376999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowblue13/pseuds/rainbowblue13
Summary: A.Ham: PHILIP IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAVE HAPPENED IN MY LIFE AND I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEARTruBen10: And your other kids?A.Ham: I love them too obviously but phILIPOr, Alexander talks about his kids. Finally.





	we're not the fucking brady bunch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thewindofsong](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Thewindofsong).



> my writing process is a mess rn and it's almost 7 am bUT I FINALLY UPDATED (wonder o wonder, miracle of miracles!)
> 
> Part of this was a prompt requested by Thewindofsong!

  **A.Ham:** HEY HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT

**A.Ham:** I LOVE MY SON

**A.Ham:** I mean I love all of my sons

**A.Ham:** and all of my children

**A.Ham:** BUT MY OLDEST SON MADE ME PARTICULARLY PROUD TODAY

**ruBen10:** Dude, how many kids do you even have??

**A.Ham:** oh like

**A.Ham:** five

**ruBen10:** ARE YOU SERIOUS

**commonavi:** NO MAMES WEY

**ruBen10:** YOU REPRODUCE LIKE FUCKING RABBITS

**A.Ham:** HEY!! many americans have large families

**ruBen10:** Yeah, in the 1800s

**commonavi:** ooooh snap

**commonavi:** hahaha but yeah alex what the fuck

**A.Ham:** also some of them are adopted!! don't judge!!!!! i'll fIGHT YOU ALL

**ruBen10:** Fiiine

**A.Ham:** BACK TO WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT

**A.Ham:** BECAUSE PHILIP IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAVE HAPPENED IN MY LIFE AND I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART

**ruBen10:** And your other kids?

**A.Ham:** I love them too obviously but phILIP

**ruBen10:** Favoritism much?

**commonavi:** what did he do to make you so proud?

**A.Ham:** HE HAS MADE ME MORE THAN PROUD

**A.Ham:** THERE IS SO MUCH MORE INSIDE ME

**ruBen10:** Can I make the obvious sex joke

**A.Ham:** n o

**commonavi:** the suspense is killin me dude

**A.Ham:** oh yeah!!

**A.Ham:** he beat someone up!! he is truly my son i lvoe him so much

**ruBen10:** That is... not a thing you should be bragging

**commonavi:** yeah, beating up people is kinda shitty??

**A.Ham:** um, coming from the guy that tried to get in a fistfight with the Secretary of State after downing three tequila shots, im afraid i cant take you too seriously

**A.Ham:** ALSO HE HAD GOOD REASON OBVIOUSLY, YOU HEATHENS

**ruBen10:** Why'd he get in the fight then?

**A.Ham:** someone was catcalling his younger sister (aka one of my dAUGHTERS) so he told em to back off and when they didnt he beat his ass

**ruBen10:** Violence shouldn't be the answer but I concede that your son had good intentions

**commonavi:** same

**A.Ham:** thank

**commonavi:** what about your other kid?? the one being catcalled?

**A.Ham:** Angie also got a few good punches in there actually, im so proud of her she's the best (along with philip) ((and along with all my other kids))

**commonavi:** Angie the author and feminist-icon?

**A.Ham:** no no that's Angelica, my Betsey's sister

**A.Ham:** Angie is my second oldest and also amazing

**ruBen10:** This is giving me a headache, just write a fucking list of your children so I can look at it for reference

**commonavi:** actually, speaking of Eliza, how's she handling the whole situation?

**A.Ham:** philip, 16 (the oldest and my pride and joy) angie, 14. susan, 13 (technically). alex jr, 12. james, 10.

**A.Ham:** also she was upset like u guys until she heard the whole story and then high fived Angie

**commonavi:** nice

**commonavi:** also you named a kid after yourself, w o w

**A.Ham:** you can't make fun of names when you're called Usnavi

**commonavi:** my parents were immigrants, what's your excuse?

**A.Ham:** I AM LITERALLY AN IMMIGRANT

**ruBen10:** Uh what does "technically" mean? On the list

**A.Ham:** susan is maria's daughter, so im really her pseudo step-dad

**commonavi:** another quick question: are all of the kids like... um... well

**A.Ham:** what a quick question

**commonavi:** like genetically speaking

**A.Ham:** honestly, does it matter?

**commonavi:** fair

**A.Ham:**  wait actual quick question: why did this become a crash course on my children

**ruBen10:** BECAUSE YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

**A.Ham:** O M I T

**ruBen10:** Also have you stopped to consider how expensive all of their educational lives are gonna be?

**ruBen10:** Wait shit sorry that's an insensitive question

**A.Ham:** eh whatever, dont worry about it

**A.Ham:** also, our family has both a lawyer and a politician bringing in the dough

**commonavi:** lol

**commonavi:**  wait so, your family has a total of 9 people in it with all your s/o's?

**A.Ham:** ye

**ruBen10:** you are legit "7th Heaven"

**A.Ham:** d ude

**ruBen10:** The Hamilbrunch

**A.Ham:** stop

**ruBen10:** If you get one more kid you can do the revival of "Una Familia de Diez"

**A.Ham:** oh my god

**commonavi:** this is the best roast

**ruBen10:** In this house, we shit talk each other to our faces

**ruBen10:** Because they're all the same face

**A.Ham:** lmao

* * *

**commonavi:** eyyyyy alex

**A.Ham:** sup navi

**commonavi:** soooooo

**commonavi:** you're the moneydude right?

**A.Ham:** i just managed to outlive that nickname dont do this to me

**A.Ham:** but yes

**commonavi:** so you're real good with money right?

**A.Ham:** considering i run the finances of the fucking country, yeah id like to think so

**commonavi:** could you help me out with somethin?

**A.Ham:** name it

**commonavi:** can you help me organize stuff with sonny's college tuition?

**commonavi:** it's his senior year, he's been looking at a few local colleges

**commonavi:** and i still have some money leftover from the lotto, but im not sure it's enough?? he ain't goin to stanford or anythin but still

**commonavi:** he donated all of his money and i had to use some to fix up the bodega

**commonavi:** i just need someone to help me get organized

**A.Ham:** yeah of course, anything to help out

**A.Ham:** plus, sonny's a good kid. real smart.

**commonavi:** thanks alex, i appreciate it

**commonavi:** i'm just bad at this adult stuff, which makes me feel dumb

**A.Ham:** hey u are not dumb, and besides intelligence comes in many different ways

**A.Ham:** i cant make coffee to save my life

**commonavi:** but you talk about drinking coffee all the time??

**A.Ham:** three s/o's dude

**A.Ham:** also sometimes i dont even bother and just chew the coffee grounds

**commonavi:** hahaha

**A.Ham:** heh yeah, not the best flavor but it keeps me up

**commonavi:** espera espera

**commonavi:** i thought you were kidding

**A.Ham:** why would i be kidding??

**commonavi:** OH MY GOD

**commonavi:** ALEXANDER HAMILTON

**commonavi:** THAT IS AN ATTACK AGAINST COFFEE

**commonavi:** ALSO PROBABLY SUPER UNHEALTHY

**commonavi:** OH MY G O D

**A.Ham:** DONT CALL ME OUT

* * *

**commonavi:** @ruBen10 ALEX CHEWS COFFEE GROUNDS

**A.Ham:** whAT DID I JUST SAY

**commonavi:** este men esta LOCO

**ruBen10:** I can't tell if this is a shitpost or not

**A.Ham:** look, sometimes i dont have time to wait for coffee to be made!! i gotta go and get the job done stOP JUDGING ME

**ruBen10:** Alexander jesus christ

**ruBen10:** How do you take care of five mini human beings

**A.Ham:** Actually Pip is like, 5'9 so

**commonavi:** do you make giants for children

**ruBen10:** That's not that tall

**ruBen10:** But it IS taller than Alex

**commonavi:** YOUR SON IS TALLER THAN YOU THAT'S ADORABLE

**A.Ham:** i will not take these attacks towards me

**commonavi:** callate, you have to get your ass to the bodega to have real coffee

**A.Ham:** well im not gonna turn down free coffee

**commonavi:** who says it'll be free??

**A.Ham:** oh my god ECHAME PARO

**commonavi:** usnavi no te va a pichar, sorryyy

**ruBen10:** I'd complain about the bilinguality but I need to brush up on my spanish for classes so

**A.Ham:** @commonavi eres bien mamon, but fiiine. im omw

**A.Ham:** oh yeah!! hows that goin, Professor Marcado?

**ruBen10:** Nice so far, got some good students in my class. And since it's a community college it doesn't stress me out so much as a fancy-pants university would

**ruBen10:** Hopefully they don't hate me

**commonavi:** no one can hate you, you're like, the human equivalent of a seal

**ruBen10:** What

**commonavi:** everyone loves seals!

**A.Ham:** what was the name of ur college again??

**ruBen10:** Boricua community college

**A.Ham:** that's a cool name

**commonavi:** it's neat from what i've heard

**ruBen10:** Also it's geared towards POC students, mainly hispanic ones, so I'm getting in touch with my roots or something equally cheesy

**A.Ham:** yo nICE

**A.Ham:** and!! nothing wrong/cheesy with a getting a sense of community from that

**ruBen10:** Was that a pun

**A.Ham:** maybe

**commonavi:** wait i just thought of something

**commonavi:** alex, youve been here for a while

**commonavi:** how are your kids dealing with that?

**A.Ham:** we skype as often as we can, but it sucks honestly

**A.Ham:** betsey's taking it a bit harder cause she's a stay at home mom

**ruBen10:** Wow, stereotypes

**commonavi:** literally nothing about alex's home life is a stereotype

**A.Ham:** im pretty sure my boyfriend and my girlfriend- who is also my wife's girlfriend- dont really fit the whole Nuclear Family(tm) theme

**ruBen10:** Fair enough

**commonavi:** okay but who takes care of them??

**A.Ham:** theyve been staying with the Theodosias

**ruBen10:** Who?

**A.Ham:** oH RIGHT

**A.Ham:** someone tolerated Burr enough to marry him

**A.Ham:** Her name is Theodosia

**A.Ham:** they had a kid and, in a spur of creative genius, called her Theodosia as well

**A.Ham:** we call her Theo to avoid confusion

**ruBen10:** Says Alex, the father of Alex Jr.

**A.Ham:** why are u guys calling me out so much today jfc

**ruBen10:** This was just your day to be called out. Embrace it.

 

_commonavi has changed the group name to "Alex is Problematic 2k17"_

 

**A.Ham:** i hate you all

**commonavi:** you cant hate me, im charismatic as hell

**commonavi:** and ruben is a seal

**ruBen10:** Please don't make me a furry

**commonavi:** what's that?

**ruBen10:** Fuck

**A.Ham:** KARMA

**Author's Note:**

> \- alex is a complete mess and yet has his shit together the most out of the three. it's surreal.  
> \- the title is a deh reference woopwoopwoop  
> \- usnavi asking alex for help in the college thing was the prompt, and i loved it!! let these boys be supportive of each other  
> \- alex eats coffee grounds and thats canon (tm)(tm)tm)  
> \- the whole seal is 1000% based on that one fic sophia wrote dont judge me  
> \- sorry for all the spanish lol buT LET MY BOYS BE BILINGUAL  
> \- no legit sorry cause i wrote in spanish but it's meme spanish so if it doesnt translate right on google who o p s sorry abt that
> 
> my tumblr is marianara-sauce and comments fuel me (i will probs cry if u do srsly bless all the commenters u r tha best)


End file.
